She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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