He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
