I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
