I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
