Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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