I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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