y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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