I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Never let your siblings swipe right.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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