we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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