She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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