Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
