I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
