Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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