If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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