I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
