Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Randomize
