I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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