My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
