Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
