Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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