Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
