We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
