he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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