respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
