Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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