I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
