sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
