Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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