Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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