At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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