i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
