when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
