I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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