You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
