I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
