I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
