Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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