dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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