I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
