I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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