I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
