...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
