It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
