I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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