pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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