I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize