He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
