First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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