I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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