who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
