Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
