I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
