ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
