she kept yelling 'call me bella'
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
