I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
