I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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