He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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