i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
