Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This house was built for laser tag.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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