Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
