Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
